Sooo... black friday! Had to go to sleep at 6pm on thanksgiving, which was good cause thanksgiving was basically Adam saying that everything sucks and he hates everyone. Which sucked, but I guess people never really change. Woke up at 3:30 and drove to work. I'll just cutpasta my entry from waffles to explain work:

woke up at 3am to get to work by 4:3am. Aeropostale opened at 5am and there were people sitting there WAITING in front of the store. Most of them were super nice though, and patient. Our sale was that everything in the store was 50%, to make it easy for us, cashiers. There were a few exceptions however, and I think that'll make the best stories.

First twenty minutes two indian women come up to me and told me that some pants they had were 5$ each. I told them that wasn't correct and that they were 50%. They kept on arguing so I asked them to show me where they found them. They had seem the, "We open at 5am" sign and only taken what they wanted. I won't lie this happened three or more times after that.

Then, some teenager, like 16-18, threw up in a corner of our store. Didn't try cleaning it up or apologizing... just kept shopping and we had to find it on our own. Actually, one of her friend's told us, but seriously. Got all over the clothing.

And finally, behind the counter we have those, 6 by 4ft pictures of models wearing our clothing things. Kennan was moving stuff around there as I was ringing. We both thought they were bolted down. Next thing I know my head hurts like a bitch and all the customers are looking at me. It had fallen on my and the other cashier's head. Of course the managers told us not to black out because IT'S BLACK FRIDAY and then walked away. Kennan got us advil and a brownie.

So yea, got off work at 4. So, almost 12 hours. It really wasn't that bad.

After that went over to Haley's and then we went to The Mountain Goats concert. It was great. Really chill. Bought a jacket, well went halfsies with Haley and counted it as my xmas present. The guy's in front of us let us switch with them because Haley couldn't see which was nice. They played "This Year" and "No Children" so... it was awesome! Haley got kinda sick though, and almost threw up on the metro back. Haley's grandparents and uncle were there in the morning and they were all excited to see me.

The next day sucked, basically. I went to work and Matt wanted me to come over afterwards. An hour before I got off I dropped my phone in the sink and it broke. I was really upset, so I tried to dry it off. When I went to the back to check on it for the third time my manager asked me if I was leaving, and I told him, no I was sched till midnight. He told me that we had run out of hours and I was to leave now. Soo... I went over to Matt's two hours early, since there was no where else to go. He basically just pushed me out the door and said that I was early and he had plans with his friend's at this time. I was just upset and realized how much he cares about me, which is nothing, and left. Went to Brantley's where Texan, Brantley, Bobby, and two gay guys were watching Step Brother's. Which Bobby and I had tried to watch last week, but I had fallen asleep during. It was funny and afterwards we went outside and sat by the firepitt and talked. It was pretty good.

The next day, Sunday, I went to work and then went out to see a movie with Brian. We saw 2012, which was actually really good. Like great special effects and you end up caring about the characters. And you walk out the theater with this sense of awe for nature that I haven't had since watching the Cosmos. But it's good for an action movie, you know? Brian is doing pretty good and talking was fun. We're all going to go out, the old gang, Shane, Zach..., to TGIFridays some time soon. Afterwards, around 1ish, got home and was hungry. Talked to bobby on AIM and we went out and got food. Talked for awhile too. Got home around 5ish.

Drove Bobby to school, yesterday, and that was the day we were going to make food together. Then we realized that this was the last day Truddles will be in the country. (He's in the marines and has this month leave before he gets relocated to Japan) and called him and picked him up. Drove back to Bobby's house and ate our potates and homemade veggie burgers, which were great, then bought four 40s and went back to Truddles house, in WestVA. Truddles and Bobby got drunk, hate beer, will not drink, and we just watched funny videos on NewGrounds and talked. It was fun and we left around 2ish. Totally going to stay in contact with him. Drove bobby home and we made some rice inside and I forced him to start watching School Days with me, since he was drunk and affable. Went home.

Woke up today and drove Bobby to NOVA again. He's sick, which makes me sad, and I'm in the Student Lounge of NOVA. Ran into Reily who apparently is also starting in the spring and got my internet connection set up for NOVA. Forced Bobby to go to his first class even though, OMG IT'S SO EASY I'LL JUST SLEEP. But we'll probably just drive over to Nelson's or Pat's house and play some L4D or something.

Sooo... yeaa... another typical week basically since I've been back home.

It all started on Thurs. We drove down to the Tally Ho to bother Zach because he was doing the midnight showing of New Moon:

"Did you lose weight? You look skinnier than you did at Rocky Horror*..."

Later on yesterday tried on a dress with Haley: "...daaaamn girl, I hate you. Don't lose any more though, you'll look gross."

Today at work, THESE PEOPLE I SAW A WEEK AGO!:

"Hey, wow. You've lost weight! You eating okay?" "Congrats!"

During my break I went to go see Eddie to pick up some things, the first thing out of his mouth:

"And you, look as skinny as ever!"

...and finally when I came home and sat in my chair my dad came over to me:

"Have you lost weight? You should really eat more, you're starting to look unhealthy."

I just want to scream. It's fucking hard, okay? Food makes me want to throw up. It always has. You know when you're sick and you look at food and it makes you want to gag and you're like, "I'm not hungry?" All the time for me. All the time. I have to force myself to eat. It is a CONSTANT struggle and concern of mine to at least get 1,000cal a day. It FUCKING SUCKS. I'm trying but it's fucking hard and people constantly pointing it out isn't helping. Right now I feel sick because I forced myself to go get and eat a 7 layer burrito. This is because I realized that all I have eaten today is one of them for "lunch/breakfast" around noon, a soda, and then a honey oat bar. That honey oat bar was really hard to get down too. The first bite is like when you're totally hungover, and you go try to eat something and the second it gets down.. you want to puke. I almost threw up. After a few more bites it got easier, but still. And now I feel sick and gross and throw-uppy because I ate BECAUSE I don't WANT to lose weight, I just want to stay how I am. And yes, I don't actually know how much I've lost really, I don't keep track. I've gotten on the scale like 3 times in the past... 4 months maybe?

I'm just fucking sick of people making a big deal about it. It's a source of embarrassment for me. I don't talk about your acne, leave my body weight alone.

*less than a month ago

A lot of stuff has happened and all of it was really good. Went to New York, then bonfire, hanging out with Truddles, (old friend from HS on leave from the marines), some more drinking, hanging around with Bobby and chinese food, and now Haley and Maren. Everything has been amazing.

But fucking... jesus... just watched Once. Haley and Maren just left five minutes in because they didn't get it. Oh god, I wish they had stayed. I am so sad right now. That movie made me so sad. Just listen to this song. Just, fucking listen to it and see if you don't get upset;






...and if that's not enough, how about the title track that won all those awards?




crying yet? If not you're not a human.

God. I don't want to talk about today.

She looked at my pics, made me feel better.

We've spent most of the day just sitting around. It's been good. I should be unpacking but I have all week to do so. Was supposed to go out to portland, but no one will take me. Almost done with Mad Men season 2.

Haley's been amazing. Barely ever leaving my side. We went back up to DC the other day to do an art project and she let me go up to Dupont and show her around. Got scrubs season 1 and 2 from a thrift shop and we ate lunch in China Town. Urban outfitters was having a sale, but nothing good.

I'm sad that Wash died in the premiere episode of "V". He was half the reason I was excited about the show. Been watching Modern Family too. Very funny show, not the best, but I love the gay couple.

omg. It was amazing.

We ended up going to Town in DC which is near the 930 club, if anyone knows anything about DC,
for everyone who doesn't... it's kinda a sketch area, NW, but since I used to live in SW, more sketch, it was cool. Was only four blocks from the metro.

The cover was only 10$ which seems cheap to me, but again, first time. No line too, which was a plus. When we walked in the drag show was going on, and as my first drag show, I have nothing to compare to, but it was a sight! Totally fun and involved and great times had by all. After that it became a dance club playing top 40 and the upstairs opened. The crowd was mostly REALLY ATTRACTIVE gay GUYS! Seriously, fucking so much flannel and fake big glasses. I was in heaven. Dancing was great and since there were barely any straight men, Haley and I only had to pretend to be gay a few times that night!

Upstairs they were playing house music with guys wearing their underwear and dancing on the polls. JESUS CHRIST THEY WERE SO RIPPED AND ATTRACTIVE. It was by far the best part. That and I love house music, I might be the only one, but house and techo in general is SOOO much easier to dance to and just enjoy. Sadly, no one else in my group agreed and we spent most of the night downstairs.

At one point my friend got up on the stage and was AMAZING also I got hit on by this lesbian who was gorgeous! It made my night. She was like 25, works at a non-profit, long blond hair and soooo pretty. If I swung the other way I would have been over the moon. Also, she was flirting so much better than the drunk guy who just walked up to me and touched my boobs. Guys suck on hitting on girls. Also, why are gay guys so much more attractive than all other men? That also makes me sad.

So all and all, I REALLY REALLY HAD A BLAST and we're seriously going back the next time we can. Got home around four, and collapsed.

HAHAHAHAHAHA... God. Fuck you LJ.

Jose told me yesterday that that was his last day. I don't know what happened. I'm pretty sure he got fired. I told him that he was the best manager I had ever had and we hugged. I made a lame joke because I could see him tearing up and no one wants to cry at the mall. And then I left.

I'm leaving today. Packing right as we speak. I love this apartment. I spent so much work on it and I considered it home. I'm going to miss it, and Eddie, and all of Matt's other friends. Even the gym. It feels like everything I've been working towards for the past year is now completely gone.

Goodbye relationship
Goodbye apartment
Goodbye friends
Goodbye Jose

I don't know. Haley and I went to IHOP at midnight till 2ish last night because I just didn't want it to be THIS DAY, you know? This is the day when it's real.

I'm scared, is that okay to say?

Because I really am.

Hold.
14 years.
No.

Morning:
2 motrin
antibiotic A
2 mucinex
antibiotic B

Noon:
antibiotic A
antibiotic B
2 motrin

5ish:
antibiotic B
2 motrin
salt water gurgle

Dinner:
antibiotic A
antibiotic B
2 mucinex
BC pill
1 Benedryl
2 motrin

**advil sporadically throughout the day

where I'm going to live
college app
Should I keep my job
getting a car
what I actually want to do with my life
if I'm actually Sick Sick and how to go to a doctor
getting my power cord to work again s my computer doesn't die
telling my parents

I don't really want to talk about it. And I guess making this blog is counter that idea... but I mean: Everything eventually ends, and I'm young enough that I have my whole future to look forward to. Stuff runs its course. That's how the world works. I know I have people that love me and will always do so, and that's good enough. I'd be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming. :)

I hate when I feel like this. Jesus Christ. Today in therapy she asked me one thing that I thought that I did well today. I took about five minutes to finally say that I opened my milk container without ripping it. And Seriously, I still can't think of anything better.

Yes, YES, I KNOW that how I feel was screwed up by my family. That I can only see the negative in life and that I'm an unhappy person. I UNDERSTAND that I need to move on and that my life sucked growing up but I "can't let them win" by keeping me down... but YOU KNOW what? It's HARD. It's HARD to try to move on. To "Grow Up" and be a "normal person". To not constantly feel bitter about my childhood which was shitty and that I'll never get back. I'll NEVER get that BACK. All the memories I have from growing up and tainted and horrible. I'll never get to have a normal childhood with hopes and dreams and not waking up in the middle of the night to wake up my dad who's passed out again on the floor. No fun sleepovers without the fear that my mom will come in SCREAMING and yell at me for something and have all my friends think I'm weird. That WILL AND NEVER HAPPENED. And that hurts. And I don't know when that's supposed to go away.

I don't know when I'm supposed to all of a sudden "be better". To "view the world the way a normal person would". Because THIS is the only way I've ever viewed the world. There has never been anything before this. I'm so lost. I don't know how to do it. And it's HARD. And I make steps, YES, I KNOW I'm making progress. That it's not IMMEDIATE. That I can't just say that one day POOF, I'll just be better. But, I'm just...it hurts.

So, today I went to go see Fame by myself today...

Voice posts are fun, right? You get to hear funny accents if your friends are from far, far away. All we really want is to hear your voice, we don't care what you're saying. So here's a list of typical meme questions that would otherwise be boring, but when communicated aloud - well, it's entertaining. Answer these questions in your post, and encourage others with voice-posting abilities to do the same.
oice posts are fun, right? You get to hear funny accents if your friends are from far, far away. All we really want is to hear your voice, we don't care what you're saying. So here's a list of typical meme questions that would otherwise be boring, but when communicated aloud - well, it's entertaining. Answer these questions in your post, and encourage others with voice-posting abilities to do the same.

1) What's your name?
2) How old are you?
3) Where are you from? Are you living there right now?
4) Is it cold where you are?
5) What's the time?
6) What are you wearing?
7) What was the last thing you listened to?
 What was the last thing you ate?
9) What was the last thing you watched on tv?
10) What's your favorite tv show? Why?
11) Quick! Find a book, or something with text on it! Flip to a random page and read some of it! GO!
12) What was the last movie you saw? How was it?
13) Do YOU think you have an accent? Talk about that.

VoicePost 1007K 5:09

(no transcription available)

When I was fifteen I remember driving in the car with Haley and talking about what would be the best thing ever, I had just gotten tickets to green day and that was actually my first real concert. I remember saying, and Haley will back me up... "do you know what would be the best thing EVER?! going to a Weezer concert with blink182 opening!!" she agreed and we both sighed because blink had just broken up and weezer want touring.

This night is exactly what my fifteen year old self had imagined. It was everything exactly the way my dream had played out in my head.

Yesterday was AMAZING!

I went to Tysons because the traffic was awful after dropping Matt off, and yes, I know I WORK in a mall, but I still love them. I love being able to walk around, look at things, try things on, and just be peaceful by myself, idunno, I've always loved the mall and that hasn't changed.

Something that I HAVEN't always loved are shoes. I actually usually hate shoes other than flip flops. In fact, the only shoes I have bought myself OTHER than flip flops EVER were my shoes for Prom that I bought two years ago. So, that tells you something. But, walking around at the mall I passed a Steve Madden store and they had a big wheel. The deal was, you spin it and you get that discount number off any shoes in the store. I spun it and got the second highest, 40% so I walked in to see around for the first time. And yes, I headed right to the clearance rack. There were some super cute wedges, and the guy was super nice and helped size me for like, 20 minutes, and two people said they were cute on, and so, I walked out with these


for 15$. Yea, so long story short, I bought the MOST COMFORTABLE PAIR OF WEDGES EVER. Yes, yes, I know, fucking suede is dead cows, I'm a hypocrate... but I went into Bakers today when I got off of work and was waiting for Matt and I saw these, tried them on, three people complimented me, and I bought them, ALSO for 15bux. So yeah, also want to point out that both pairs were originally 60 and 80$ respectively. I LOVE them. I know they look weird and ugly and my toes are gross and not in all the way or whatever, but, I am IN LOVE with them.



Will talk about more stuff later, and shit, but Matt and I have the wedding tomorrow and we have to get up at like 5, so night.

 I forgot that yesterday wasn't Monday and the alarm wasn't set for me to get up. Which meant I woke up to a car starting an HOUR after I was supposed to be at work. And this was for a mandatory meeting that EVERYONE had to attend. So I had to walk in in front of EVERYONE.

Later at work Darrell pulled me aside and told me that the last few days I've worked on register even amounts of money have gone missing, usually 20$. For people who don't work retail, a random number short like 4.63$ being short or over is normal if not good, but a round number like 10$ or 20$ usually always means employees stealing money. Now, I wasn't the only one working on the register and obviously I didn't do it, but he told me to be more careful next time and that they were looking into it.

When I got home I checked my email and saw a link to the adoption forum I'm a part of that was talking about people regretting searching for their parents. And then I watched the 16 and pregnant where she gives the baby up for adoption even when her parents say that it'd be better for her to raise it and she was taking the easy way out.

Then I went on facebook and saw that yesterday was the move in day for VCU. A bunch of my friends have moved in together and Mary had pics of the apartment she moved in to. We had talked about it before I left, and I know if I was still going to school I'd be in that apartment with them.

So I got upset, and Matt and I got into another fight and that's why yesterday was a bad day.

I hope someday I'll be able to go through this time of year without being upset.

 Work was the same as ever yesterday. I really can't wait for my three days off after today. Waited at the mall for 4 hours for Matt to pick me up because fuck if I'm walking home in 100degree weather. 

Then we bummed around, I played more eternal sonata and he did some bill thing for work, watched the new True Blood episode, (OMG EM IF GODRIC DIES ALL READY I WILL CRY AND CRY AND CRY) and then went to sleep. I'm on my period right now, and have been getting headaches so yeeeaaa...

Sooooo..... last night I was doing the laundry and I was shutting the dyer when Matt, from the other room, was like, "Hey is someone at the door? I hear knocking." I yell back that it's just me and I'm doing the laundry. Now, I should point out, that I am nude a lot in my house. Because it is my house, and I like being nude. I mean, I was wearing panties, but seriously I had just gotten out the shower. After I start up the dyer, I realize I want a cookie and walk over to the kitchen. Halfway walking there I realize that THERE IS someone at the door and that my chest is completely bare. I SPRINT the rest of the way to the kitchen and hide. The guy goes "OH" and blushes and later I find out that he was looking for another apartment. Matt laughed for AGES. Said that that shit only happened in movies.

But here I am, living proof that sometimes, when you knock at random people's doors you might get flashed.